5- minute easy Vegan Chia Chocolate Pudding to the rescue!

I don't think I would have made it through this week without Chia Chocolate pudding. The picture above doesn't do it justice. The ONLY thing that sounded good was chocolate-based foods. It was one of those weeks. Ladies - do you feel me?

Meanwhile, I've been pretty much sticking to Paleo veg diet lately because my body does better on it. So I wanted something that could be a treat, but not a total departure (like Haagen Daaz choc ice cream, what I really wanted until I tried this, now I want Chia chocolate pudding more). One serving of this pudding has only 3 grams of sugar, which is less than my 85% dark chocolate, which many paleo advocates allow. So this is how I justify. Do your own math.

I'm new to Chia, but I've been reading about it for a while. I know it's a superfood, and a miraculous veg source of Omega 3, fiber, and protein. Who cares? The point is when you mix it with chocolate - something magical happens...it becomes creamy pudding!Now there is a tapioca-like textrure to the seeds even when you grind them up, but I've come to love and crave it this week.

Let's not waste any more time, here's the recipe that works for me:

Easy Vegan (low glycemic) Chia Chocolate Pudding - 

prep time 5 mins, chill time 5 mins- 2 hrs 

Makes approx 4 servings unless you're having a moment, then it's only one or two.

Ingredients:
 4 tbs chia seeds (they're expensive and there is no substitute , sorry)
2 c. unsweetened  Almond milk (or whatever milk you want, I tried coconut but liked Almond better)
1 TBS Grade B Maple syrup ( the kind you have left over from the last god-awful master cleanse)
4 TBS raw Cacao powder ( I have a big jar of Nature's First Law left over from my cray-cray raw food days, but regular powdered chocolate would work fine)
1 tsp frontier alcohol free vanilla ( I love this brand, but any vanilla will do)
5 drops Stevia ( I have a sweet tooth, boh-kay? If you don't, just omit this)
1/2 tsp pink salt (or any salt)
 (optional) 3 squares of Green and Black's 85% dark chocolate to grate on top


 Directions: 
Put your Chia seeds in a blender or coffee grinder alone and grind to a powder (1-2 mins). Next add the almond milk,  maple syrup, stevia, chocolate powder, vanilla and salt. Blend well. At least 1 minute on high speed. Quickly poor contents into small cups and grate your dark choc squares on top. It will start to thicken immediately. Put in fridge for 5 minutes or more   (for soft pudding eat immediately, for stiffer texture let sit longer or add more Chia seeds).  Enjoy!


Nutrition:
 *values per 1/2 c. serving
calories:118
carbs: 13
Sugar: 3
Fiber: 8
*Fat 7
 Protein: 4

*My Chia seeds say they have 1870 mg of Omega 3's per serving, that's more than a whole teaspoon of my nordic  naturals fish oil. #JustSayin'!

Emily's Comments: 
The raw Chocolate leaves me with a feeling of well-being - it's energy, but more of a lift up  than a caffeine  jolt.  Could it be the Chia seeds instead of the Choc? I don't know, but this stuff is a mood lifter and energy booster. If I had Macca powder I'd add it too because it has a similar effect. And so many Omega 3s (http://www.nuts.com/cookingbaking/chia-seeds/premium.html)!This pudding isn't carb free, but it's pretty low in sugar and can be lower if you tweak the maple syrup to Stevia ratio. All the ingredients are healthy and there is a good dose of healthy fat, fiber, and protein to counter your carbs, so for me this is a relatively guilt-free treat. I'm blood sugar sensitive and I don't have a reaction to this, but I do crave it now. (some research info on how Chia may reduce blood sugar:  http://www.naturalstandard.com/news/news201202015.asp)

Let me know your experience and how you modify in the comments!

Sorry America, I've got nothing but LOVE for this imperfect body of mine.

Well, we did it! Together with 5 of my best girlfriends on Saturday, we all made it across the finish line of a 1/2 marathon to celebrate one of our 40th birthdays (mine's not for another year, phew),  despite our many old lady ailments and challenges.

I rowed crew with these girls in highschool (not all pictured above, but go Pacific!), so we are not new to early mornings, tough training sessions and high stake workouts. My girls bring lots of humor everywhere we go so really, anything is fun, see?

(Will my best friend forgive me for posting that?)


My training didn't go very well, I found running post stroke to be challenging, and after one successful short run without pain I was never able to duplicate it. Despite this, I somehow managed to run a good part of the 13 .1 miles. I surprised myself. I delighted myself. And when I came home, I scared myself because walking was hard again. Terrific pain in my right hip and left knee. Ut-oh, what had I done?

But I gave myself one full recover day  (Sunday) where all I did was a slow 5 min walk with my dog, and then today (Monday) I went back to my hardest yoga class with Sharron Lape. It surprised and amazed me that I had lost nothing. There wasn't anything I couldn't do today, it was all still there. Though I did put a towel behind my knee in double-pigeon. That's nothing. Hanumanasana (splits, which require lots of hamstring openness) were the same after the race. Back bend was awesome, handstand was solid. Lunges, standing splits, trikonasana, prassarita (forward straddle), badakonasana  (butterfly) - all there.

I guess I was carrying around this fear that if I tried to run a 1/2 marathon, there would be some terrible price to pay. But it didn't happen. I was careful. And I'm fit and healthy even though I'm a stroke survivor and not a very good runner. Yeeeehaw! I'm alive! I can do things that are hard for fully-abled people my age!

Ok, so in Yoga class tonight, as I was stretching and breathing and shocked at how good my body feels . It just feels so good to be in this body and in every shape and posture I felt beautiful, and it suddenly came to me.

I have nothing but deep love for this imperfect body of mine. 

No, it's not that I grew washboard abs overnight,  became a size 2 or I now suddenly meet an external ideal. Last I checked I don't have a thyroid which means the scale doesn't move very easily, I'm still ridiculously (!) curvy, and shortish. From certain angles I'm pretty sure I  appear to have more than one chin. But I'm ready to admit it. I can no longer deny it.

I am head over heals in love with this 39 year old body I'm in. 

Anything less than this magical appreciation feels false and like spitting in the face of divine grace. It's a miracle I can walk with a closed artery in my brain, but to run 1/2 marathons, take one day off and practice yoga like nothing happened? That's amazing.  My body is utterly perfect. And it's mine (for now, until it's time to let it go). Maybe some of this love I  feel comes from my inner knowledge of how temporary life (youth, health, activity) is?

I was raised in a culture where women bond with each other by insulting themselves. Sorry America, but I'm done. I hope my friends will still love me. I hope you won't find me too arrogant when you see me strutting down the street like a 5 ft 4 supermodel.   I no longer have the energy to loath my stomach, or wish my arms were bonier. How trivial those goals are compared to a living miracle. Gratitude is all I have left when it comes to this miraculous collections of cells I call home.

"Thank you" and "I love you"  are the only messages I'm sending to the mirror.

[I even checked in the mirror after class to make sure I really feel this way, and I do.]

I'm done hating. I get it. This IS perfection. You feel me?

How to define a good day

If there is any ONE thing that came out of the experience of surviving strokes and paralysis as a young person  and the losses associated with any serious medical challenges, for me, IT IS THIS:

~Any day where you wake up alive and breathing to find you can walk, talk, go to the bathroom on your own and in general use your body 

IS A GOOD DAY~

This one realization has helped me to be so much happier every single day, maybe even exponentially happier on the deepest level than I was pre-stroke. There is so much that can be added onto this for many of us; things like unlimited clean water, food, shelter, clothing for warmth and comfort, soft beds, and then onto the the really major conveniences like automobiles, phones, and washing machines.And some of us are lucky enough to have family and love and good  friends in our lives.  It's overwhelming.  Honestly, it brings me to tears, every time I really let it in. 

~Let it in~

When I do get depressed or overwhelmed (and of course I do), a quick meditation where I start by naming what I have and I really go through it..it just instantly stops that bullshit voice in my mind that wants to convince me that I don't have enough or that there is some catastrophe in my life. How absurd.  The bankruptcy was a great example of a fake problem. What does a medical bankruptcy really mean when you have clothes, family, food, love and you wake up alive with a healing body and a real shot a living? The answer is it means nothing. It's one of those pretend problems. It's really only a piece of paper. 

So people, and yoga teachers like myself even, talk a lot about gratitude. For me this isn't a buzz word ladened with some first-world guilt, and a sense of obligation to be "grateful" for my blessings. For me, this idea of gratitude is a straight shot into the deep well of beauty that being alive can be if you let it. 

It's so hard to wake up. I am stubborn and willful and it took some really challenging days for me to wake up  to what a good day really is. But now I know it's simple, and that knowledge is a gift. 

Running a mile without pain, the puppeteer behind the curtain, and the power of small accomplishments

For the first time in 7 years, with a closed right middle cerebral artery and a still mildly paralyzed left leg,  I ran a mile without pain. It was painfully slow (12.17 sec). It was intensely conscious (don't swing right arm/ actively swing left, propel forward with left side only). It was brutally short, only 1 mile. But I did it!

After giving up the idea of the 1/2 marathon (which seemed reasonable and inevitable), I wanted to see if I could find a creative solution to the "can't run" problem. . The idea of not being able to do something doesn't sit well with me. I decided to start very small. If I could figure out how to run one mile I could build on that slowly.

If there is anything I learned from stroke recovery it's the power of small achievements. Once you make any headway at all - a wiggled tow, a pinky finger table tap - you have the whole thing - it's just a matter of time. So now I try to  find a smaller goal and build on it. One mile without pain was a small goal.  But it didn't really seem possible to me. I knew I'd have to manually pull the puppet strings, which is exhausting. For most, life is largely automatic. You walk without thinking about it, type unconsciously, eat without deciding how to hold your hand, etc.  For me, recovery has been finding ways to fake what should be automatic (or not fake, but make deliberate, which is what I mean by pulling puppet strings). It's more wizzard of OZ behind he curtains and less Dorthy skipping down the road.

So, I sat behind the curtain and gave myself the cues. I wanted to speed up and really let my legs swing wide, but I couldn't lose control, I just know that's how I hurt my hip. I could feel a few of the things that were hurting me.
1. overswinging my right arm and holding the left stiff like a board.
2. taking huge strides with the right and trying to be faster (when I do anything physical  unconsciously the default is to compensate with the right side).
3. Running on my toes

I could just feel these things creating the searing pain at the top of my illiac crest on the right side.

So, I started painfully slow..

Don't swing your right arm. Only swing your left. Strike the ground mid-sole and roll. swing your left arm. keep a steady pace even if you hate how slow it is.Etc..

You get the picture. I just can't believe it worked. I'
m shocked. I had no pain. I didn't have to stop, but I chose to stop at 1 mile so I could access my results in a small dose. I want to try it again, but I'm going to wait a couple days. I'm pretty  sore on the left side and still a little tender in my right hip. But I'm not limping, or in pain, so I'll take it.

Running post-stroke.

 Ok, so, my best friend is turning 40 this fall and she wanted to do a half marathon.

I ran 2 marathons in my 20s, Honolulu Diamond-head, and San Diego Rock-n-Roll. Both were hell, and despite training my balls off I never broke 5 hours.I am just a slow runner.  But I did finish, twice, even though it took some vomiting and a few other unfortunate accidents,  to make it across the finish line. That was then. My boyfriend at the time said I was exhibiting first child behavior, and that no sane person would run 26.2 miles just to prove they could. He had a good point. After the 2nd marathon, when I still hit a hard WALL  of doom at mile 22 and I started feeling horrible knee pain (at 25 yrs old), I decided: Ok, enough. You only get one body, you have to make it last. So I choose to focus on yoga, which made me feel good.  The rest is history.

So, jump ahead a good 13 yrs and now I'm a youngish and  mostly recovered stroke survivor with left side paralysis. Somehow despite this, because running is something I did before, and because I love sharing experiences with my girlfriends, I decided to give the Healdsburg 1/2 marathon a go. It's only half, afterall, right? I've never had a better run in my life than the primo half marathon in 1999. 13.1 miles is still reasonable. I'd never do a full marathon again, I'm not that crazy!

Unfortunately,what I wasn't remembering is that  I'm lucky to walk.I had to give up heels which was tragic for me. I fell down 7 flights of stairs in 5 years, I still have gait issues. I don't always realize this, but a quick glance at the shoes I wore everyday in Italy this summer (just a month ago) tells the story...

This is the left one. The outside edge is totally torn up. This is from disinhibition, which makes your body curl up into a fetal like position as a default after paralysis (new born babies also have this). Practically speaking, this means my toes curl (and not in a good way) on my left foot, which causes me to supinate, BIG TIME. Here is the evidence.      

My left shoe is a mess.

Compared to the right one it's really clear what's happening.

So when my gait is clearly this off-balance,  it's no wonder that when I try to run, it's a disaster! My efforts to train for this half marathon, which have been sort sad in their moderation,  have left me with so much pain in my right hip it's become hard to walk. I only worked up to 4 miles, and didn't even manage that.

Ugh...but the one thing I really can't stand is feeling like the stroke means I can't do something. I have moved mountains to get around the many  "can't" scenarios in my world.

For now I decided to walk. I can still spend the weekend in the wine country, I can still train for something, It's just something a bit more reasonable. Walking is something I'm pretty good at (when I'm not training to run).

SMELL: The first condition of understanding a foreign country.

“The first condition of understanding a foreign country is to smell it.” – Rudyard Kipling. My olfactory report is that India smells lighter than it did last time, the urine overtones are still there, and the deep earthy smokey fire smell is there, but the overall impression is that it's sweeter and maybe more floral. Maybe last time the smell was affected by my 4-months of dissentary coupled w/ regular nausea? My most negative assessment of the smell of India in 2009-10 was at one point poo-pee-sweaty masala balls-fire. The smell of India is such a part of the experience of being here. I've always obsessed about it. Meimei converted me to picking up more urine than poo. She was right. On the bus the men smell like sandalwood and it's intoxicating. I love the smell of sandalwood on men---it's quinticentially masculine to me. Today in yoga practice I suddenly realized something smelled funny--and yet it smelled like me in India last time (like layers upone layers of my own sweat). I looked around, smelled my clothes which smelled lovely thanks to Virginia's laundry skills so it wasn't that. Then I thought it could be the guy next to me which happens to be Oloff. And then I put my face down and I realized it was my yoga matt!!! Gross! I'm going to wash it this weekend. Right now it's airing out on the balcony. Meanwhile my heat rashes are returning (making me look just lovely in sundresses). Winter is officially over!

4 seconds of enlightenment

Yesterday I decided I wanted to get a French press so that I could make coffee before practice. Kajsa has inspired me after bringing her little french press to Pete's beach shack everyday. I walked to the main road in Candolim  in the heat of the afternoon as I have done countless times before and did my shopping at Lawande, the tiny shop where I spend all of my money. I bought maybe 4 things and then left (small french press, soymilk, coffee, sugar).

When I got to the road was a mess- but the road is always a mess, this isn't news. As I walked out into the street I prepared to make my bold Italy-style move  - It's the "I'm-walking-whether-you-like-it-or- not-while I- stare-you-down-and-dare-you-to-kill-me. I went out strong, all bluster and fake confidence, and then saw a scooter and a blue truck speed up like they were trying to pass each other and play chicken, horns blaring ("horn, ok, please"). So for the first time ever,  I chickened out and hesitated one beat before I turned around to go back and wait  where I came from for a  better time to cross. 


As I turned my back to traffic and changed direction I heard a horrible loud cracking sound. THWACK. It was awful, like the sound of screeching tires and crunching metal combined with the deep sonic thud of an earthquake. My only thought was "Oh no, I caused an accident, something terrible has happened to someone." 

I was aware of the fact that I couldn't turn around to look because I was flying. Wait...what? Yeah, I was levitating ever so lightly off the ground, flying.As I soared up I was so struck by the gorgeous colors of the buildings I was flying by. I have never seen anything more beautiful. Terracotta tones like in Rome, and the sunlight was hitting them in such a beautiful way. The nature of light is different in India. Someday I'll find a way to explain it, but it's warmer, more yellows, or reds maybe. The result is everything is more vibrant, sharper. Here's a shot of the light in Rome in early winter which reminds me of the quality of light in India. Of course, I have no photos of my accident.

(kind of like Rome in winter,but the light was warmer, sharper with more glow)

So here I am...flying. The colors, the light, it's beautiful. I'm spinning and my perspective magically instantly shifts to 360 degrees around me. I'm moving exquisitely through space, slowly too.It's like time s l o w  e d d o w n. Or maybe it's more accurate to say it stopped. I was operating outside of time.  

I can see everything, every detail carved into every nook and cranny of the walls I'm flying by. The walls aren't smooth, they are textured. No idea why I'm flying.  Thoughts like that don't matter at all right now. The only thing that  matters is how this moment is just so unfathomably beautiful.I also have the sensation of being held so gently, so lightly, like an angel was steering my flight across the road. 

I felt the opposite of fear, I felt loved in complete utter safety surrounding me on all sides.

And then I heard it with my ears, It was an ugly guttural thud. I heard it before I felt it,and suddenly I felt it and I realized all at once, it was me, I was hit in the back and now I was hitting the ground. It felt like my whole chest caving in at once. All the air went out woooomph. And I heard myself make a horrible sound. It was a guttural, slow, awful "huuuuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaahhh" as the wind was knocked out of me. If I walked by and heard someone make that sound I would think their soul had just painfully left their body. I was still making the sound way past the point when I decided to stop it at all costs. It wasn't in my control. With the unconscious sound came a piercing pain in my lower back, like my spinal cord was sliced in half. I hit the ground bumm first, and then thanks to ample padding in that area, I  then I bounced  up and on the second impact the back of my head rickashayed and smacked down on the pavement pretty hard twice. One, two. thwak, thwak.

And then it was over. The four seconds of enlightenment, that is.     

My mind came rushing back online. Ugh. It's me, I was hit, I flew and I  came back down. The joy and the beauty of those few moments quickly evaporated as I came to reality and realized what happened.

But if this is what it would feel like to die, sign me up. Those few moments were more beautiful than any others in my life, and my life has had so many beautiful moments. The following days have been so strange,  because I'm hurt, walking is hard, everything is hard, but I'm haunted and seduced by the beauty of those moments. I keep reliving the moment of impact w/ the scooter and the the seconds of road flying that followed. I think those few second were the only moments of peace I've ever known in my lifetime. My "mind" hadn't caught up to make a story about my experience yet so I was just IN the actual moment and it was beautiful. Weird and creepy I know, but really magical and quiet beautiful. It was sort of otherworldly to be flying and spinning around. It's so weird to be alive. Honestly it was an amazing experience, it's the pain that follows after that sucks.

What's going on with me and my karma around injury?