Well, we did it! Together with 5 of my best girlfriends on Saturday, we all made it across the finish line of a 1/2 marathon to celebrate one of our 40th birthdays (mine's not for another year, phew), despite our many old lady ailments and challenges.
I rowed crew with these girls in highschool (not all pictured above, but go Pacific!), so we are not new to early mornings, tough training sessions and high stake workouts. My girls bring lots of humor everywhere we go so really, anything is fun, see?
(Will my best friend forgive me for posting that?)
My training didn't go very well, I found running post stroke to be challenging, and after one successful short run without pain I was never able to duplicate it. Despite this, I somehow managed to run a good part of the 13 .1 miles. I surprised myself. I delighted myself. And when I came home, I scared myself because walking was hard again. Terrific pain in my right hip and left knee. Ut-oh, what had I done?
But I gave myself one full recover day (Sunday) where all I did was a slow 5 min walk with my dog, and then today (Monday) I went back to my hardest yoga class with Sharron Lape. It surprised and amazed me that I had lost nothing. There wasn't anything I couldn't do today, it was all still there. Though I did put a towel behind my knee in double-pigeon. That's nothing. Hanumanasana (splits, which require lots of hamstring openness) were the same after the race. Back bend was awesome, handstand was solid. Lunges, standing splits, trikonasana, prassarita (forward straddle), badakonasana (butterfly) - all there.
I guess I was carrying around this fear that if I tried to run a 1/2 marathon, there would be some terrible price to pay. But it didn't happen. I was careful. And I'm fit and healthy even though I'm a stroke survivor and not a very good runner. Yeeeehaw! I'm alive! I can do things that are hard for fully-abled people my age!
Ok, so in Yoga class tonight, as I was stretching and breathing and shocked at how good my body feels . It just feels so good to be in this body and in every shape and posture I felt beautiful, and it suddenly came to me.
I have nothing but deep love for this imperfect body of mine.
No, it's not that I grew washboard abs overnight, became a size 2 or I now suddenly meet an external ideal. Last I checked I don't have a thyroid which means the scale doesn't move very easily, I'm still ridiculously (!) curvy, and shortish. From certain angles I'm pretty sure I appear to have more than one chin. But I'm ready to admit it. I can no longer deny it.I am head over heals in love with this 39 year old body I'm in.
Anything less than this magical appreciation feels false and like spitting in the face of divine grace. It's a miracle I can walk with a closed artery in my brain, but to run 1/2 marathons, take one day off and practice yoga like nothing happened? That's amazing. My body is utterly perfect. And it's mine (for now, until it's time to let it go). Maybe some of this love I feel comes from my inner knowledge of how temporary life (youth, health, activity) is?I was raised in a culture where women bond with each other by insulting themselves. Sorry America, but I'm done. I hope my friends will still love me. I hope you won't find me too arrogant when you see me strutting down the street like a 5 ft 4 supermodel. I no longer have the energy to loath my stomach, or wish my arms were bonier. How trivial those goals are compared to a living miracle. Gratitude is all I have left when it comes to this miraculous collections of cells I call home.
"Thank you" and "I love you" are the only messages I'm sending to the mirror.
[I even checked in the mirror after class to make sure I really feel this way, and I do.]
I'm done hating. I get it. This IS perfection. You feel me?
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